I fight on ..

“Takes the wind out of your sails”, “knocks you flat”, “that sinking feeling” these and so many many more platitudes we have all heard over the years. They are however just words, they do not begin to describe the feelings, emotions, mad thoughts, fears that blast through your mind when the one you love most in all the world is diagnosed with cancer. At a time like that it is just a load of old bollocks.
Jacky and I have been married for almost 20 years (20 come this November) and in all that time we have not spent 24 hours apart except for a spat of business trips a few years ago. We met in September and married in November. We are best friends, biggest fans, two souls and one unifying love. We have never fought or argued, have the same interests. When we moved in together we both had libraries containing the same books, two of everything.
Last week after what seemed a routine blood test our family doctor called us (Sunday morning) and told us to get down to the hospital for further tests. Early on Monday a team of doctors and hangers on came in to deliver the news, my wife, Jacky, my soul mate had Leukemia. In one 10 minute conversation everything in our world had changed, there are no words that can describe what ricocheted round inside my head in those few minutes, no way to convey the cascade of feelings, fears, emotions.
I know Jacky is getting the very best treatment, the doctors are excellent, the prognosis good (seems it was caught early). I am holding it together, keeping her spirits up and providing the strength my son Matthew also needs to get through this. Everybody is sending out good wishes and good energy to buoy us up in these trying times.
However in the dark quiet of the night when Matthew has gone to bed, the doggies are sleeping and I am alone then is the hardest time. With my Jacky miles away in a hospital bed, the house has a different feel, it’s lost something vital, the energy and the spirit of my soul mate. It is then in the deep dark recesses of my mind that the doubts hide, fighting to get out, to overwhelm me. It’s then that I must be strongest, to fight hardest. It is then that the night seems darkest. It may not seem rational, since I and everyone else knows, tells me everyday that she is in the best place, getting the best care. I just can’t drive the doubts away, it’s not easy to explain and I don’t anyone can really understand until they walk that horrible path. On the day my Jacky comes home with me I’ll know we won through, we beat it and our world is secure again. Until then I fight on. Every night.


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